J******s
发帖数: 7538 | 1 At some point in every relationship, it's natural to ask whether your
partner is the right one for you. But if that's as far as you go, you're
missing the opportunity of your life . . . "Rather than look at the other
person, you need to look at yourself and ask, 'Why am I suddenly so unhappy
and what do I need to do? We do not look to our partner to provide our
happiness, and we don't blame them for our unhappiness. We take
responsibility for the expectations that we carry , for our own negative
emotional reactions, for our own insecurities, and for our own dark moods.".
. . "A lot of the thinking about being married to the wrong mate is really
a self-delusion." . . . "We're all difficult. Everyone who is married is a
difficult spouse. We emphasize that our spouse is difficult and forget how
we're difficult for them." |
J******s
发帖数: 7538 | 2 Love or loving kindness is extremely important here. First we forgive
ourselves for the misdeeds, then forgive others for their harshness.
Accepting the imperfections of our own, we can accept others better.
Surrendering to the humble ways of the heart is quite important for
being mindful. We can practice Buddhism on this board as well.
Let us begin from loving kindness. :)
unhappy
".
really
【在 J******s 的大作中提到】
: At some point in every relationship, it's natural to ask whether your
: partner is the right one for you. But if that's as far as you go, you're
: missing the opportunity of your life . . . "Rather than look at the other
: person, you need to look at yourself and ask, 'Why am I suddenly so unhappy
: and what do I need to do? We do not look to our partner to provide our
: happiness, and we don't blame them for our unhappiness. We take
: responsibility for the expectations that we carry , for our own negative
: emotional reactions, for our own insecurities, and for our own dark moods.".
: . . "A lot of the thinking about being married to the wrong mate is really
: a self-delusion." . . . "We're all difficult. Everyone who is married is a
|
S**U
发帖数: 7025 | 3 Haha, zan.
"We're all difficult." I am difficult, for sure :-)
Loving kindness is the antidote.
unhappy
".
really
【在 J******s 的大作中提到】
: At some point in every relationship, it's natural to ask whether your
: partner is the right one for you. But if that's as far as you go, you're
: missing the opportunity of your life . . . "Rather than look at the other
: person, you need to look at yourself and ask, 'Why am I suddenly so unhappy
: and what do I need to do? We do not look to our partner to provide our
: happiness, and we don't blame them for our unhappiness. We take
: responsibility for the expectations that we carry , for our own negative
: emotional reactions, for our own insecurities, and for our own dark moods.".
: . . "A lot of the thinking about being married to the wrong mate is really
: a self-delusion." . . . "We're all difficult. Everyone who is married is a
|
J******s
发帖数: 7538 | 4 Loving kindness can make us be aware of the absence of oneself.
【在 S**U 的大作中提到】
: Haha, zan.
: "We're all difficult." I am difficult, for sure :-)
: Loving kindness is the antidote.
:
: unhappy
: ".
: really
|
b**d
发帖数: 7644 | 5 Hard to say. Some people are really bad for sure. But it should not bother
us. As for partners, it is a different story. |
J******s
发帖数: 7538 | 6 The point in this article is right, not good or bad.
This is a quite common problem in intimate relationship, which is the reason
for many of our complaints.
bother
【在 b**d 的大作中提到】
: Hard to say. Some people are really bad for sure. But it should not bother
: us. As for partners, it is a different story.
|
b**d
发帖数: 7644 | 7 Most couples I know do not have this problem. Me, myself, donot have this
problem. Ask luobing , Hermes, bigfool, they all seem to be happy with their
partners
reason
【在 J******s 的大作中提到】
: The point in this article is right, not good or bad.
: This is a quite common problem in intimate relationship, which is the reason
: for many of our complaints.
:
: bother
|
b**d
发帖数: 7644 | 8 I know my LD is the one i cann trust, and rely on. I treat him the best too.
we are different, and not perfect, but it never bothered us. Anyhow, I think
if people find their partner difficult, then they may need to change one. |
|
w*********r
发帖数: 2192 | 9 en, I agree.
too.
think
【在 b**d 的大作中提到】
: I know my LD is the one i cann trust, and rely on. I treat him the best too.
: we are different, and not perfect, but it never bothered us. Anyhow, I think
: if people find their partner difficult, then they may need to change one.
|
b**d
发帖数: 7644 | 10 It is a shoes and feet matching game. You cannot say the shoe is bad or the
foot is bad. But they do not match. So it is perfectly fine and look around
so more. Some people get lucky that they find their size at first time, but
most people need to try several pairs till they find the right size. |
|
|
N*******n
发帖数: 348 | 11 We can practice Buddhism on this board as well.
Let us begin from loving kindness. :)
-----------------------------------------------
>>这个建议非常好. According the article below, the more we are kind to
others, the more we become happy.
(ZZ)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Helping Others May in Turn Help You
Random acts of kindness can snowball into more positive mood overall,
experts say.
By Dennis Thompson, HealthDay News
MONDAY, Jan. 2, 2011 (HealthDay News) — Doing something nice for someone
else often leaves people feeling good about themselves and positive about
their place in the world.
But does that mean practicing random acts of kindness has scientifically
proven therapeutic value in treating mood disorders like depression?
Yes, according to a growing body of research that has found that "positive
activity interventions" — like helping someone with groceries, writing a
thank you note or even counting your blessings — can serve as an effective,
low-cost treatment for depression.
"They seem really trivial. They seem like, what's the big deal, you feel
good for 10 minutes," said Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychology professor at the
University of California, Riverside, who co-authored a recent paper on the
topic. "But for a depressed person, they aren't trivial at all. Depressed
individuals need to increase positive emotions in their life, even a minute
here and there."
After a rigorous review of research on the therapeutic benefits of positive
emotion, Lyubomirsky said, she and her colleagues found widespread support
for the notion that people with a tendency toward depression can help
themselves by helping others or otherwise introducing positivity into their
day-to-day lives.
Such a simple, low-cost path to well-being could have big-time implications,
given that more than 100 million people worldwide suffer with depression,
according to Lyubomirsky's study. That includes more than 16 million U.S.
adults, of whom about 70 percent of reported cases either do not receive
enough treatment or do not get treated at all.
Positive activity interventions come in a variety of forms, including:
Being kind to others
Expressing gratitude
Thinking optimistically
Meditating on the good things in life
"The major aspect is the positive emotion," Lyubomirsky said. "The most
significant feature of depression is the absence of positive emotion — just
a feeling of nothing, of emptiness."
Not only can being positive improve your mood, it can develop into a self-
sustaining "upward spiral," she said.
"You might be more approachable to others, or be more creative and
imaginative," Lyubomirsky said. "It snowballs, and you are more likely to
experience even more positive emotion." For example, your boss might be more
likely to compliment you if you are happy in your work, or your husband or
wife might be friendlier after an act of kindness.
Dr. Michelle Riba, former president of the American Psychiatric Association,
a psychiatry professor and associate director of the Depression Center at
the University of Michigan, agreed that positivity can have a dramatic
effect on people's psychological well-being.
"There's a lot of good research that shows these kinds of actions can have a
positive impact on life," Riba said. "In general, people who help others
stop focusing on their own pains and problems and worries and feel good
about themselves."
And perhaps the best thing about it is that people can pursue these positive
actions on their own.
"They are simple," Lyubomirsky said. "They don't involve going to a doctor.
They aren't a substitute, but they are a great alternative or addition to
therapy or medication."
Researchers are still assessing the best ways to pursue and implement
positive thought and action to help treat depression, Lyubomirsky and Riba
said.
For now, those who want to improve their mood through positivity need to
figure out what works best for them through trial and error. This may
include thinking long and hard about the best ways they can help others and
reminding themselves of the good things in their own lives.
"You have to do work," Lyubomirsky said. "It takes effort to continually
remind yourself to do acts of kindness for others, although I think it gets
easier over time."
It's also important, she said, to vary your activities, lest you fall into a
rut.
"You want to do them in optimal ways," Lyubomirsky said. "You want to vary
what you do. You don't want to do the same thing every day. You want to do
them at a rate that's optimal to you."
【在 J******s 的大作中提到】
: Love or loving kindness is extremely important here. First we forgive
: ourselves for the misdeeds, then forgive others for their harshness.
: Accepting the imperfections of our own, we can accept others better.
: Surrendering to the humble ways of the heart is quite important for
: being mindful. We can practice Buddhism on this board as well.
: Let us begin from loving kindness. :)
:
: unhappy
: ".
: really
|
w*********r
发帖数: 2192 | 12 I don't think relationship/marriage can work by just simply practicing
loving-kindness. This is a misleading concept.
Too much unconditional love-kindness may also ruin a relationship
if the giver doesn't get back the return, or the receiver is smothered
by the love.
The psychology involved in relationship/marriage is tricky.
There are stories in which women were trying to be submissive and unconditional to support their husbands but still got abandoned.
【在 N*******n 的大作中提到】
: We can practice Buddhism on this board as well.
: Let us begin from loving kindness. :)
: -----------------------------------------------
: >>这个建议非常好. According the article below, the more we are kind to
: others, the more we become happy.
: (ZZ)
: --------------------------------------------------------------------------
: Helping Others May in Turn Help You
: Random acts of kindness can snowball into more positive mood overall,
: experts say.
|
J******s
发帖数: 7538 | 13 我是借着这个题目延伸了一下意思。人与人的关系本质上其实很有类似之处的。
亲密关系里需要的是爱，很多时候也需要loving kindness。亲密关系成败的本质显然
不是loving kindness，是爱！
一个对除了自己的lover之外的人也容易有loving kindness的人无疑在寻找配偶方面要
少受挫折的多。也更容易得到适合自己的爱。
【在 w*********r 的大作中提到】
: I don't think relationship/marriage can work by just simply practicing
: loving-kindness. This is a misleading concept.
: Too much unconditional love-kindness may also ruin a relationship
: if the giver doesn't get back the return, or the receiver is smothered
: by the love.
: The psychology involved in relationship/marriage is tricky.
: There are stories in which women were trying to be submissive and unconditional to support their husbands but still got abandoned.
|
J******s
发帖数: 7538 | 14 谢谢转载！
尤其喜爱这句话
Not only can being positive improve your mood, it can develop into a self-
sustaining "upward spiral," she said.
：）
【在 N*******n 的大作中提到】
: We can practice Buddhism on this board as well.
: Let us begin from loving kindness. :)
: -----------------------------------------------
: >>这个建议非常好. According the article below, the more we are kind to
: others, the more we become happy.
: (ZZ)
: --------------------------------------------------------------------------
: Helping Others May in Turn Help You
: Random acts of kindness can snowball into more positive mood overall,
: experts say.
|
J******s
发帖数: 7538 | 15 这篇文章开宗明义
At some point in every relationship, it's natural to ask whether your
partner is the right one for you.
their
【在 b**d 的大作中提到】
: Most couples I know do not have this problem. Me, myself, donot have this
: problem. Ask luobing , Hermes, bigfool, they all seem to be happy with their
: partners
:
: reason
|
J******s
发帖数: 7538 | 16 这篇文章强调的是要求对方不如要求自己，我们的很多不满都来自自己的delusions。
This is true！
too.
think
【在 b**d 的大作中提到】
: I know my LD is the one i cann trust, and rely on. I treat him the best too.
: we are different, and not perfect, but it never bothered us. Anyhow, I think
: if people find their partner difficult, then they may need to change one.
|
J******s
发帖数: 7538 | 17 如果你也读过一些关于meditation的书，尤其是教导怎么实践vipassana meditation的
书，其中都会强调一下在修习vipassana meditation前修习慈心禅的重要性。慈心禅的
修炼就是可以让我们的心比较humble，善心所升起。我们对自己慈心，对别人慈心时候
，心的品质才比较好，才可以更好的修观。修观就是修智慧。慈心有助于智慧的升起一
样可以应用到我们的日常生活里的各种事件和关系中，尤其涉及到人与人之间的关系。
loving kindness和男女亲密关系中的love有异曲同工之妙。在两性亲密关系里面，越
有爱，越容易包容对方。越有爱，在两个人有矛盾的时候，一方或者双方才愿意
surrender。即时的love或loving kindness有助于我们放弃自我，不执着自己坚持的对
错。智慧此时一样会更容易升起，矛盾会得到更好的解决，甚至感情会因为彼此的爱，
给予和理解而得到加深和升华。
版面上的种种矛盾，如果IDs心里有loving kindness就可以更理解别人，接受别人。指
责和挑剔会减少很多。因为别人和自己一样都在苦里不得解脱。
给予爱或者loving kindness可以拉近人与人心的距离，培养彼此之间友好的气氛。善
更容易升起，善升起的时候就有助于培育智慧。
Wisdom will arise naturally when we can observe everything as it is when it
happens. To achieve it loving kindness is really helpful!
【在 N*******n 的大作中提到】
: We can practice Buddhism on this board as well.
: Let us begin from loving kindness. :)
: -----------------------------------------------
: >>这个建议非常好. According the article below, the more we are kind to
: others, the more we become happy.
: (ZZ)
: --------------------------------------------------------------------------
: Helping Others May in Turn Help You
: Random acts of kindness can snowball into more positive mood overall,
: experts say.
|
w*********r
发帖数: 2192 | 18 你太爱说言空没有内容的大口号了。
亲密关系和佛法要倡导的东西本来就是背道而驰的。
你这里说的怎么处理亲密关系拿到生活中我觉得是行不通的。
慈心是没有分别的爱， 情爱是有分别的爱，是自私的爱，
不是用大口号就混到一起的。
真的修大慈悲心我觉得是要放下情爱的。
我觉得两性关系首先是ATTACTION, 最后是上升到亲情
而且亲情成长的这个过程中就是还要自己不断成长build up attraction,
attraction is the key.
【在 J******s 的大作中提到】
: 如果你也读过一些关于meditation的书，尤其是教导怎么实践vipassana meditation的
: 书，其中都会强调一下在修习vipassana meditation前修习慈心禅的重要性。慈心禅的
: 修炼就是可以让我们的心比较humble，善心所升起。我们对自己慈心，对别人慈心时候
: ，心的品质才比较好，才可以更好的修观。修观就是修智慧。慈心有助于智慧的升起一
: 样可以应用到我们的日常生活里的各种事件和关系中，尤其涉及到人与人之间的关系。
: loving kindness和男女亲密关系中的love有异曲同工之妙。在两性亲密关系里面，越
: 有爱，越容易包容对方。越有爱，在两个人有矛盾的时候，一方或者双方才愿意
: surrender。即时的love或loving kindness有助于我们放弃自我，不执着自己坚持的对
: 错。智慧此时一样会更容易升起，矛盾会得到更好的解决，甚至感情会因为彼此的爱，
: 给予和理解而得到加深和升华。
|
J******s
发帖数: 7538 | 19 很简单，无爱！
unconditional to support their husbands but still got abandoned.
【在 w*********r 的大作中提到】
: I don't think relationship/marriage can work by just simply practicing
: loving-kindness. This is a misleading concept.
: Too much unconditional love-kindness may also ruin a relationship
: if the giver doesn't get back the return, or the receiver is smothered
: by the love.
: The psychology involved in relationship/marriage is tricky.
: There are stories in which women were trying to be submissive and unconditional to support their husbands but still got abandoned.
|
J******s
发帖数: 7538 | 20 我说的不是口号，我说的是我自己从自己的经验里的体悟！
我和我亲爱的都认为我想的这个是对的，哈哈
【在 w*********r 的大作中提到】
: 你太爱说言空没有内容的大口号了。
: 亲密关系和佛法要倡导的东西本来就是背道而驰的。
: 你这里说的怎么处理亲密关系拿到生活中我觉得是行不通的。
: 慈心是没有分别的爱， 情爱是有分别的爱，是自私的爱，
: 不是用大口号就混到一起的。
: 真的修大慈悲心我觉得是要放下情爱的。
: 我觉得两性关系首先是ATTACTION, 最后是上升到亲情
: 而且亲情成长的这个过程中就是还要自己不断成长build up attraction,
: attraction is the key.
|
|
|
w*********r
发帖数: 2192 | 21 where is the love coming from?
【在 J******s 的大作中提到】
: 很简单，无爱！
:
: unconditional to support their husbands but still got abandoned.
|
J******s
发帖数: 7538 | 22 拜托我讨论的不是怎么建立恋爱关系，不是维持一个两性关系的本质。
我说了两性关系爱是关键。
我觉得你回帖都不看贴的，你自己玩儿吧。
【在 w*********r 的大作中提到】
: where is the love coming from?
|
w*********r
发帖数: 2192 | 23 I am asking you where is the love coming from?
By practicing loving-kindness?
慈心是GENERAL 的爱， 本来就是和你说的两个人的亲密关系不一样的。
【在 J******s 的大作中提到】
: 拜托我讨论的不是怎么建立恋爱关系，不是维持一个两性关系的本质。
: 我说了两性关系爱是关键。
: 我觉得你回帖都不看贴的，你自己玩儿吧。
|
l*******l
发帖数: 13923 | 24 re 这个
“要求对方不如要求自己，我们的很多不满都来自自己的delusions。”
【在 J******s 的大作中提到】
: 拜托我讨论的不是怎么建立恋爱关系，不是维持一个两性关系的本质。
: 我说了两性关系爱是关键。
: 我觉得你回帖都不看贴的，你自己玩儿吧。
|
w*********r
发帖数: 2192 | 25 congratulations for you.
but still, this only just means that you two are the right one for each other.
When people are in a very difficult relationship, I feel the wise decision
might be to step out and look for the right person. Unconditional giving or
kindness may not resolve the mismatch or bring the magic of love.
【在 J******s 的大作中提到】
: 我说的不是口号，我说的是我自己从自己的经验里的体悟！
: 我和我亲爱的都认为我想的这个是对的，哈哈
|
w*********r
发帖数: 2192 | 26 嗯， 从版上看好像大家的福报都很好，家庭听起来很和谐。
their
【在 b**d 的大作中提到】
: Most couples I know do not have this problem. Me, myself, donot have this
: problem. Ask luobing , Hermes, bigfool, they all seem to be happy with their
: partners
:
: reason
|
S**U
发帖数: 7025 | 27 Indeed.
Once you decide there is irreconcilable differences, it's time to let go.
And unless you let go, you won't meet the right one.
It hurts, but practicing loving kindness towards yourself helps.
Wish you a very happy new year!
or
【在 w*********r 的大作中提到】
: 嗯， 从版上看好像大家的福报都很好，家庭听起来很和谐。
:
: their
|
b**d
发帖数: 7644 | 28 Yes. For example, some people just like to be tortured. I do not think they
will be in love with someone practising loving kindness. People who
practise loving kindness may seem to be boring to some people. Bad boys and
girls can be very attractive to a lot of people.
unconditional to support their husbands but still got abandoned.
【在 w*********r 的大作中提到】
: I don't think relationship/marriage can work by just simply practicing
: loving-kindness. This is a misleading concept.
: Too much unconditional love-kindness may also ruin a relationship
: if the giver doesn't get back the return, or the receiver is smothered
: by the love.
: The psychology involved in relationship/marriage is tricky.
: There are stories in which women were trying to be submissive and unconditional to support their husbands but still got abandoned.
|
S**U
发帖数: 7025 | 29 Great.
I enjoyed your post and Iris's post.
【在 N*******n 的大作中提到】
: We can practice Buddhism on this board as well.
: Let us begin from loving kindness. :)
: -----------------------------------------------
: >>这个建议非常好. According the article below, the more we are kind to
: others, the more we become happy.
: (ZZ)
: --------------------------------------------------------------------------
: Helping Others May in Turn Help You
: Random acts of kindness can snowball into more positive mood overall,
: experts say.
|
b**d
发帖数: 7644 | 30 I think people should ask this question bf getting married. After that, they
should not still wonder. And to ask. This question because of conflicts in
life is too much. Yes, maybe my partner will do something I donot like. But
so what, it will pass, I will not remember in a few days
【在 J******s 的大作中提到】
: 这篇文章开宗明义
: At some point in every relationship, it's natural to ask whether your
: partner is the right one for you.
:
: their
|
|
|
l*******l
发帖数: 13923 | 31 good！
they
in
But
【在 b**d 的大作中提到】
: I think people should ask this question bf getting married. After that, they
: should not still wonder. And to ask. This question because of conflicts in
: life is too much. Yes, maybe my partner will do something I donot like. But
: so what, it will pass, I will not remember in a few days
|
J******s
发帖数: 7538 | 32 祝你早日找到the right one！
other.
or
【在 w*********r 的大作中提到】
: congratulations for you.
: but still, this only just means that you two are the right one for each other.
: When people are in a very difficult relationship, I feel the wise decision
: might be to step out and look for the right person. Unconditional giving or
: kindness may not resolve the mismatch or bring the magic of love.
:
|
b**d
发帖数: 7644 | 33 If I talk about loving kindness with my LD. He is going to think I am crazy.
.....
【在 J******s 的大作中提到】
: 我说的不是口号，我说的是我自己从自己的经验里的体悟！
: 我和我亲爱的都认为我想的这个是对的，哈哈
|
w*********r
发帖数: 2192 | 34 Wish you a happy and prosperous new year too!
Indeed, practicing loving-kindness towards oneself from time to time
is a good approach to find joy and peace in life!
【在 S**U 的大作中提到】
: Indeed.
: Once you decide there is irreconcilable differences, it's time to let go.
: And unless you let go, you won't meet the right one.
: It hurts, but practicing loving kindness towards yourself helps.
: Wish you a very happy new year!
:
: or
|
w*********r
发帖数: 2192 | 35 Thanks for your 吉言。
Also wish everyone on this board enjoys a good relationship
with their significant others or will soon find the right partner
in life.Anyway, everyone deserves true happiness in life and will find it
sooner or later.
【在 J******s 的大作中提到】
: 祝你早日找到the right one！
:
: other.
: or
|
b**d
发帖数: 7644 | 36 其实单身有单身的烦恼，结婚有结婚的烦恼，谈恋爱的也有谈恋爱的烦恼，没什么大差
别。enjoy whatever we have now 吧。
【在 w*********r 的大作中提到】
: Thanks for your 吉言。
: Also wish everyone on this board enjoys a good relationship
: with their significant others or will soon find the right partner
: in life.Anyway, everyone deserves true happiness in life and will find it
: sooner or later.
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J******s
发帖数: 7538 | 37 真正的幸福要靠自己，每个人要对自己的命运负责！
【在 w*********r 的大作中提到】
: Thanks for your 吉言。
: Also wish everyone on this board enjoys a good relationship
: with their significant others or will soon find the right partner
: in life.Anyway, everyone deserves true happiness in life and will find it
: sooner or later.
|
R*o
发帖数: 3781 | 38 good quote
unhappy
".
really
【在 J******s 的大作中提到】
: At some point in every relationship, it's natural to ask whether your
: partner is the right one for you. But if that's as far as you go, you're
: missing the opportunity of your life . . . "Rather than look at the other
: person, you need to look at yourself and ask, 'Why am I suddenly so unhappy
: and what do I need to do? We do not look to our partner to provide our
: happiness, and we don't blame them for our unhappiness. We take
: responsibility for the expectations that we carry , for our own negative
: emotional reactions, for our own insecurities, and for our own dark moods.".
: . . "A lot of the thinking about being married to the wrong mate is really
: a self-delusion." . . . "We're all difficult. Everyone who is married is a
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R*o
发帖数: 3781 | 39 仁者不忧
我常想，如果自己忧愁了，那是自己还不够仁
【在 J******s 的大作中提到】
: Love or loving kindness is extremely important here. First we forgive
: ourselves for the misdeeds, then forgive others for their harshness.
: Accepting the imperfections of our own, we can accept others better.
: Surrendering to the humble ways of the heart is quite important for
: being mindful. We can practice Buddhism on this board as well.
: Let us begin from loving kindness. :)
:
: unhappy
: ".
: really
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