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I Was The First White Woman To Audition For China's Biggest TV Dating Show
KRISTIN GRAHAM, MINYANVILLE
MAR. 21, 2012, 8:05 PM 10,738 11
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Fei Cheng Wu Rao
Am I the one?
That’s the question I’m hoping to answer by participating in Fei Cheng Wu
Rao (If You Are the One), China’s most famous dating show and one of China
’s most popular television shows in general. So popular it's watched by
roughly 300 million people -- the entire population of the US -- each week.
For comparison's sake, America's popular dating show The Bachelor, on ABC (
DIS), attracts an audience of about 7.75 million for every episode, or 2.6%
of America's total population. China's If You Are the One pulls 21% of the
national population.
The program is produced by Jiangsu Broadcasting, but like all Chinese
television shows, it's ultimately controlled by the government. It's filmed
in Nanjing, the old capital of China, and airs on Jiangsu Satellite TV. If
You Are the One is likely about to gain even more viewers as the government
has recently cracked down on entertainment programs, decreasing the number
aired from 126 to 38 every week. President Hu Jintao warned of the influence
of Western culture as the decision was announced.
In fact, If You Are the One is modeled after a Western show, a program
called Taken Out, from Australia. It's filmed on a stage with one male
bachelor and 24 female candidates. The women stand at individual podiums and
use their podium lights to indicate interest in dating the bachelor in
question. As they watch video snippets about the candidate's life and listen
to him exchange banter with the witty host, the women decide whether to
keep their podium lights on or switch them off, effectively dropping out of
the running. (Of course there are other twists and turns to the elimination
process, described here.)
So how did I first get mixed up in this dating show phenomenon?
In this case the credit goes to a good friend of mine here in China, where I
've been living for nearly three years as a retail market analyst. Knowing
my adventurous nature, this friend recently convinced me to apply to be one
of 24 girls vying to win the heart of a Chinese stud and a ticket for two to
Hawaii. A week later, I found myself spitting out the most complicated
Mandarin I’ve ever spoken during a screening interview to appear on the
show.
If selected, I'll be the first American Caucasian female to compete, which
could prove interesting since Caucasian female/Chinese male relationships
are rare and sometimes thought of as rather taboo by parents who stereotype
Western females as provocative. (So far, foreign candidates on past shows
have included British and American men in the bachelor role and one Filipino
-American woman.) What I know now is that I've basically passed the audition
, but the producers are still deliberating over whether I can appear on the
show as part of a tag-team duo -- despite speaking some broken Mandarin, I'd
need my friend to stand beside me on stage and act as a translator.
Still, no Chinese mother should fear my presence on the show just yet. After
auditioning, I have to confess that I question my potential compatibility
with a Chinese man. Not because of looks, fashion sense, or even the
inability for the two of us to communicate fluently. The barrier that stands
between me and finding love on a cheesy reality show comes down to finances.
Set in My Western Ways?
Having worked and lived a non-traditional expat life in China since 2009, I
have integrated into the culture so much that some of my American roots have
seemingly disappeared. I eat the local food daily, shop in wet markets,
have learned to eat any part of any animal, and even use chopsticks in my
own home. These days I rarely catch more than a short playback of a football
game, but I routinely join friends for competitive games of badminton. I
wear my coat in the office and drink hot water when I'm cold rather than
complaining about the lack of proper heat
ing. I place a high importance on saving face, and fully comprehend the
importance of one's guanxi (personal network). I even comfortably integrated
into my friend’s non-English speaking family for the week of Chinese New
Year in her hometown of Jilin, a small Tier 3 city. I joined in games of
ping-pong, shopped for fireworks, and prepared dumplings and numerous family
dinners.
Having a circle of friends that consists of more Chinese than Western expats
and observing the US from the outside in, my views of America have been re-
shaped and I've come to understand much of China and the way the people
think. Quite honestly, I feel at home here.
Still, some cultural differences persist. Some concepts remain
incomprehensible to me no matter how hard I try to grasp them. Chinese
attitudes toward personal finance are by far the most perplexing.
What Are Your Thoughts on Spending Money?
Tying a dating show to finance may sound like a difficult task. But as my
friend translated the personal information form at the audition, it became
evident that money was a major theme. I barely got to mention my hobbies and
what makes me unique as a person before I was answering the following
questions:What are your thoughts on spending money?
Are you willing to sign a prenuptial agreement?
Who will control the finances in a relationship or marriage?
What is your salary? What salary must your potential date earn?
Do you own a car and house? Must your potential date own a house and car?
What is the profession of your father and mother?
The questions may not have seemed as curious to my fellow contestants,
however. While waiting for my turn at the audition, another woman who was
there to compete sat down next to me, asking why I wanted to be on the show.
The conversation quickly turned to money. She asked about the level and
currency of my salary, suggesting that as a foreigner, I must be a high
earner of US dollars. (She was wrong.)
The dating show audition was far from my first run-in with China’s
materialistic dating world. And the questions were not all that surprising
given the stories I've heard from many Chinese friends. But it provided a
perfect example of how China is evolving.
Reminbi Love
Based on conversations with friends, I’ve learned that many Chinese women
expect to receive luxury handbags early on in a relationship. It’s believed
such actions show a man’s commitment and love. Learning that I was heading
to the US for a visit, a male friend once joked that I should bring him
back a suitcase of luxury gifts. He wanted me to save him from having to buy
highly marked-up products here in China. He literally needed an inventory
of luxury goods for future relationships.
In some relationships, men offer their significant other an “allowance”
each month, even when the men are already living on minimal salaries. For
many women, a man’s inability to purchase an apartment is a relationship
deal breaker, destroying potential marriages.
I once visited Shanghai’s Marriage Market, a designated park where parents
convene each Saturday to find their children mates. The park is like an
offline Match.com, with paper profiles dangling from trees. The vitals
always include income levels and home and car ownership.
My amusement with the concept quickly turned somber after striking a
conversation with a father who proudly spoke of his son, an engineer. He was
vividly distressed over the fact he could not afford to purchase his son an
apartment and believed the inability to do so leaves his son no hope for a
wife.
No Financial Common Sense?
China’s property bubble is no new news. So it makes one wonder just how the
future of so many relationships are built on house ownership. As of
December 2011, the average home price in Shanghai was RMB 22,238 (USD 3,513)
per square meter. Automobiles cost nearly twice the sticker price in the US
, not to mention that just to purchase the license plate for a car sets one
back nearly RMB 50,000 (USD 8,000).
Factor in average salaries and these numbers become astounding. The average
Shanghai salary is just RMB 5,526 (USD 876). While that number is certainly
distorted and underreported due to substantial gray income, it still
reflects the reality for average Chinese. Ownership of homes and cars is a
major financial burden, and yet it plays a critical role in the relationship
between two Chinese individuals and their parents.
I've heard stories of couples who earn a combined monthly pre-tax income of
RMB 10,000, while paying a RMB 8,000 mortgage every month. They have no
money to live, but they have a home.
One of the most talked about lines to come from If You Are the One came from
a previous contestant who expressed her views on relationships and money
quite bluntly: “I’d rather weep in a BMW than laugh on a bicycle.” The
show's critics were not pleased, and neither was the government, which came
out with a list of rules regarding social and moral values that should be
enforced by dating shows. The woman who made the comment did not "win" that
night on the show, but she was offered many other TV deals.
In many cases, materialistic behavior is encouraged by parents, as some of
my female colleagues have stated that while they themselves do not require a
house or car from a future mate, their parents do. The attitude is somewhat
understanding based on China’s recent past and the life many older parents
experienced. Every Chinese parent wants to ensure their child does not have
to endure what they did. But their new perspective also stands in contrast
to the traditional mentality -- always save for a rainy day. And it shows
how China has transitioned into a society that just may be more
materialistic than America.
Living in a Material World
It seems only natural that a greater focus on money has emerged given how
quickly China is growing its wealth. To be fair, some of this behavior is
concentrated in more developed cities like Shanghai. But it's rapidly
spreading to smaller cities as well. I recently heard a story about a
friend’s family member from Jilin who insisted on having a RMB 700,000+ (
USD 110,000+) engagement ring. When the even wealthier to-be-groom said no,
she convinced her mother to purchase it for her. The two are now divorced.
US wealth is divided between “new” and “old.” Spending habits differ
between the two types. In China, it's all new wealth, typically earned
rapidly and in great quantities (and in many cases unethically), which
instantly changes people’s lives and views on how to spend it.
I can say with certainty that most of the male candidates in the show I'm
striving to appear on would be stunned with the answers I truthfully filled
out on my application. Perhaps we Americans will never shake one persistent
stereotype -- that we're big spenders with negative savings rates. But I
believe that we're still far less materialistic than many modern Chinese. I
left many blanks next to questions about earnings, and answered “no’s” to
questions about whether my date must own his own home, car, and other
luxuries. I’m still wondering about the lack of emphasis on relevant
questions, such as desired hobbies and interests.
The men and women evaluating my audition performance may have been surprised
to learn that I'm not looking for money. I'm seeking an ambitious
professional like myself who enjoys traveling, sporting activities, and
cultural experiences. I want someone to share adventures with, not someone
to sit with inside a home we can’t afford to leave.
I sincerely hope I have the chance to participate and set an example for
this country that money isn’t everything. And, of course, I hope to find
the man of my dreams.
This post originally appeared at Minyanville.
This story was originally published by Minyanville.
This article originally appeared at Minyanville. Copyright 2012.
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Kristin on Mar 22, 7:36 PM said:
@Guy: Precisely right. Many young Chinese will save months of salary for an
iPhone or Gucci bag all while living in terrible conditions, such as an
apartment with 15 people all sharing beds. It's all about showing off on the
outside, regardless of what/who you actually are. The value placed on money
and material items here is far different than in the west.
Sure there are plenty of girls in the US who are "gold diggers", but here
the concept is different and widespread, among even the parents. In the US,
these types of women specifically look for men with money. In China, there
is pressure on most families who bear sons to purchase a house/car when the
son gets married, wealthy or not. From my experience, it's expected that a
man fully takes care of a woman here financially, which includes presenting
her with materialistic, luxury items, even if he can't actually afford to.
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