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发帖数: 6571 | 1 Dear Kurt: I am a 48 year-old progressive, unionized fifth grade teacher who
lives alone with her three beloved and diverse kitties, Fluffums,
Ticklebunny and Hillary. Lately, I think Ticklebunny, whose coat is a creamy
white, has been microaggressing Fluffums, whose coat is a rich ebony. I
think Ticklebunny may be racist. Also, every night when I come home with a
single serving Trader Joe’s entrée and a bottle of Charles Shaw chardonnay
, Hillary is sitting on my computer keyboard and the browser history has
been erased. What should I do? Signed, Cat Lives Matter
Dear Spinster: Like most women in Hillary Clinton’s core voter demographic,
you are fated to live, and then die alone in your squalid condo, and after
death to be consumed by the animals who pretend to love you. But you can
change that. Reject every twisted belief you have been misled into embracing
and then date a former Marine. Also, Ticklebunny is super racist. He’s the
Robert Byrd of tabbies. You can Google that.
Dear Kurt: I saw that in the new Star Trek movie, Sulu is going to be
portrayed as gay. Well sure, that’s a start, but I don’t know if I can
enjoy a movie where all the other characters identify as cis because it
marginalizes my personal struggle as a gender fluid, Klingon-identifying
otherkin. What should I do? Signed, “Mr” Spock
CARTOONS | Lisa Benson
View Cartoon
Dear Geek: The real problem with Star Trek is the goofy socialism embraced
by the whiny space bureaucrat characters. Everyone in these movies is a
government flunky working for the “Federation”; is there anyone in the
universe with a real job? And the most fantastic element is how they are not
only efficient and effective but are also attractive. Look, I can believe
in warp drives and Romulans and going back in time to make out with a young,
hot Joan Collins, but competent good-looking government workers? I can only
suspend so much disbelief.
Dear Kurt: I am super excited about Hillary pioneering for women everywhere
by breaking the glass ceiling, but I am having a lot of trouble accepting
the sexism of those who hate crime at Hillary by holding her to the same
standards of accountability and behavior that they would hold a man, and by
demanding that she point to some arbitrary list of so-called “
accomplishments” and “achievements” instead of appreciating the awareness
she has made people aware of. And when I share my feelings about this with
male-identifying persons with whom I would consider entering into an
intimate relationship with after they obtain my notarized consent, they seem
to lose interest. What should I do? Signed, Men Are Bad And They Also
Ignore Me.
Dear Human Saltpeter: Look, being a shrill Hillary-loving harridan is never
going to get you a husband. But hey, I think you should double down on your
commitment to constantly nagging penis wielders by constantly reciting your
list of petty grievances. Now, I don’t think it’s going to help you find
an intimate life partner, but I do think it’s going to help society by
ensuring that you never, ever breed.
Dear Kurt: I was a total Bernie Bro. I mean, like, his message was totally
inspirational! Bernie was totally going to give us all this free stuff, like
free college and free apartments and free money, but now Hillary is totally
going to be the nominee and she totally wants to give us slightly less free
stuff. I’m totally bummed. What should I do? Signed, Felt the Bern
Dear Bernout: You know, you seem totally stressed out by the prospect of
having to actually support yourself. It’s totally unfair that so many other
people are reluctant to toil on your behalf and subsidize the creative and
impactful initiatives you would totally spearhead if Bernie was giving you
free stuff, like smoking killer bud or following Phish around while smoking
killer bud. You totally need a break from your high-pressure lifestyle! I
totally recommend Venezuela. It’s a land of socialist plenty just a totally
short flight away. Your dad, the insurance executive, will totally pay for
it if you tell him you need money to get your Prius fixed (Wink wink!). You
’ll totally love Caracas – the shopping, the food, the legendary toilet
paper! Heck, you totally may never come home!
Dear Kurt: I recently graduated from Mizzou with a degree in Marxist Dance
and a minor in LGBTQ?x*Z©K Studies. I have a $150,000 student loan
debt and the only job I could get is at the Common Grounds Coffee House in
Cape Girardeau steaming milk and making sure no improv groups try and take
the stage during the open mics. What should I do? Signed, Loan Rager
Dear Loser: You should endure the misery created by your bad life choices
for as long as it takes to pay back the hard-working taxpayers who
subsidized your folly. Let your suffering be a warning and a lesson to
others. Or you can do a lot of push-ups, shave your stupid goatee, and join
the Army. Either one. Now fetch my latte, dork.
Dear Kurt: I am a Millennial and I feel that…
Dear Whiner: Stop right there. I don’t want to hear it.
http://townhall.com/columnists/kurtschlichter/2016/07/14/dear-kurt-what-should-i-do-i-think-my-cat-is-racist-n2191817 | t*******d
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