L*******s
发帖数: 15925 | 1 本来想发在小杜的不说废话俱乐部的
没想到那边要加入才能发言
记得那边讨论过全是对话的小说
这篇全是短信的小说 拼写一堆错 但读得太乐了 很有Michael Cera的风格
买卖提排版不好
你们直接去链接看吧
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2013/11/25/131125sh_shouts_cera?
MY MAN JEREMY
by Michael Cera
Whenever a friend asks me if I have any interesting tales involving text-
messaging, I think of Jeremy. Jeremy, a man I am no longer in touch with,
was someone I once considered a friend. It started out very simply: one day
I received a text message from a phone number I did not recognize. Intrigued
, I replied, and thus began an intimate and illuminating correspondence. I
wish to share with you now my record of this peculiar kinship.
UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/5 9:46 PM
sup you comnig to this thing?
MICHAEL 12/5 9:46 PM
hi oops I don’t know this number. I’m Michael, who is this?
UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/5 9:58 PM
oops my mistake
MICHAEL 12/5 9:58 PM
hahahaha no problem—happens. . .where are you anyway? Like what city? Los
Angeles? or. . .
MICHAEL 12/5 10:06 PM
I’m in LA
MICHAEL 12/5 10:34 PM
haha. I don’t really recognize your area #
—
UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/6 11:39 AM
oh shit just saw yur messages yea I live north of la wish i lived down there
tho :p
UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/6 11:40 AM
sorry for the wrong number. peace
MICHAEL 12/6 11:42 AM
hey listen I already said don’t worry about it and I meant it. it’s no
problem.
MICHAEL 12/6 11:46 AM
?
MICHAEL 12/6 12:14 PM
aaaannyway haha. how was da party?
:}
UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/6 12:59 PM
not bad. not like a hollywood party lol like where you live. thad be fun
MICHAEL 12/6 1:30 PM
you should come to town one night and I’ll take you to a party at my buddy
Michael Cera’s house
MICHAEL 12/6 1:43 PM
the actor haha
—
UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/7 4:53 PM
you know him? yahh man thad be sick hes a cool
MICHAEL 12/7 4:59 PM
really? you don’t think his range is limited?
UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/7 5:04 PM
lol nah whadever may be true
MICHAEL 12/7 5:14 PM
hahahahahahha
MICHAEL 12/7 5:19 PM
anyway i was just kidding before that’s actually me
MICHAEL 12/7 5:25 PM
hahaha
UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/7 5:37 PM
huh? yur michael cera??
MICHAEL 12/7 5:38 PM
hahahahahahaah
UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/7 5:39 PM
tha actor?
MICHAEL 12/7 5:41 PM
yes except I spell it with capital letters at the beginning of my first and
last names, kind of like a display of common respect kind of thing
MICHAEL 12/7 11:48 PM
but yeah I’m that Michael Cera. . .
MICHAEL 12/7 11:54 PM
hahaha
—
MICHAEL 12/8 7:11 AM
didn’t catch your name btw. . .
—
UNKNOWN NUMBER 12/9 12:39 PM
yah my name is jeremy i live in delano ca. had your number confused with a
friend from la lol. sorry bout that. peace
MICHAEL 12/9 12:39 PM
nice to meet you Jeremy, what’s your last name anyway? right now I just
have you saved as “Jeremy Delano” haha
MICHAEL 12/9 12:48 PM
and that won’t do, will it? ahahaha
—
JEREMY 12/10 7:20 PM
yoooooooo i just saw you on tv ha so fucking weird
MICHAEL 12/10 7:20 PM
no way! what was it? one of my Films?
MICHAEL 12/10 7:28 PM
?
JEREMY 12/10 7:41 PM
yah a movie. . .you as a caveman
MICHAEL 12/10 8:13 PM
“Year One”! a comedy I made with Jack Black. really cool guy
MICHAEL 12/10 8:18 PM
you would really like him, he’s funny
MICHAEL 12/10 8:27 PM
and it was directed by Harold Ramis another comic luminary. . .haha
JEREMY 12/10 9:48 PM
hah nah it wasn’t that
MICHAEL 12/10 9:49 PM
yes it was :/
MICHAEL 12/11 1:41 AM
not really worth arguing about haha
JEREMY 12/11 12:08 PM
nah man no argument. all good right?
MICHAEL 12/11 12:08 PM
right!
MICHAEL 12/11 12:09 PM
k whoa you just now woke me up from craiest dream ever starring harry potter
. . .tha fuck!? hehehe
MICHAEL 12/11 12:34 PM
our minds can be interesting some times. . .
Already I had become fascinated with Jeremy. It was clear that he was unsure
exactly where the boundaries lay between celebrity and civilian, and he was
afraid of accidentally overextending himself. Thankfully, he soon found his
way to overcoming this feeling, and chanced an invitation.
JEREMY 12/19 4:33 PM
you party ever man?
MICHAEL 12/19 4:34 PM
hey man! your thumbs must have been burning because I was just texting
someone about you!
MICHAEL 12/19 4:36 PM
yeah sometimes I party. just for fun
JEREMY 12/19 4:52 PM
yah man you should come by my friend j’s house
MICHAEL 12/19 4:52 PM
hahahahahah does his name have any other letters in it or is it just that
one?
MICHAEL 12/19 4:56 PM
anyway. . .like when?
MICHAEL 12/19 5:05 PM
is it like a big group of people over there? is it weird if I don’t bring
anything?
JEREMY 12/19 5:19 PM
it’s just me an j. he seen you in juno
MICHAEL 12/19 5:19 PM
oh cool! “Juno” was a really fun experience for Me
MICHAEL 12/19 5:21 PM
the script was really strong and the director Jason Reitman had a vision
MICHAEL 12/19 5:26 PM
what’s address? I’ll make a lotta soup and bringit! yyeeeeeah!
MICHAEL 12/19 8:47 PM
cool so I guess prolly I’ll just flush all this soup down the toilet. . .?
JEREMY 12/19 8:58 PM
hsit sorry hada pick up my sister and i was tired
MICHAEL 12/19 8:59 PM
yeah well fuck you too
JEREMY 12/19 10:42 PM
haha whoa chill
MICHAEL 12/20 3:30 AM
I don’t mean to be so pissed off but I made a lot of soup and nobody got to
eat it
MICHAEL 12/20 3:31 AM
cause i dumped it into toilet when i got mad
MICHAEL 12/20 3:33 AM
so I thought that was kind of fucked i hate wastefullness and yeah its all
over the floor of my bathroom now little bit
MICHAEL 12/20 3:40 AM
but thats nodyboys fault but mine i guess sorry I lost my cool I’m just a
person too believe it or not. yeah so what are you up to?
JEREMY 12/20 11:28 AM
chillin dealin with people actin crazy
MICHAEL 12/20 11:29 AM
what people??? Me???
JEREMY 12/20 12:53 PM
nah
—
MICHAEL 12/23 3:08 PM
you got any kids? just realized I don’t know that. . .
MICHAEL 12/23 3:12 PM
cue jeopardy music. . .
MICHAEL 12/23 3:18 PM
haha. . .sensitive subject?
JEREMY 12/23 6:09 PM
nope
MICHAEL 12/23 6:12 PM
same. want to though. gotta meet the right girl. she’s out there somewhere!
if you see her, give her my number! ha!
MICHAEL 12/23 7:49 PM
please really though please don’t give my number out to people cause I don
’t want a bunch of weirdos like calling and wanting to meet Me and stuff
MICHAEL 12/23 7:55 PM
I appreciate fans though! just need space
JEREMY 12/23 8:53 PM
ya must be fuckin weird bein a actor
Despite our never having met, I now considered myself fluent in Jeremy’s
emotional language. What I perceived intuitively was that he was unsure of
who around him he could turn to for solace and fellowship. Fortunately for
both of us, I’ve never been one to turn away from a challenge that I felt I
could manage.
MICHAEL 12/24 8:55 AM
hey what are you up to tomorrow?
MICHAEL 12/24 9:23 AM
haha would you like to phone a friend or ask the audience maybe?
JEREMY 12/24 11:58 AM
i’m goin to my sisters house in south taft, t town. wht about u?
MICHAEL 12/24 12:10 PM
oh wow! and you guys are doing a family christmas type thing?
JEREMY 12/24 12:51 PM
xactly
MICHAEL 12/24 1:03 PM
is it like weird that you don’t have your own family so you are going and
staying with hers on christmas?
JEREMY 12/24 1:14 PM
nah man shes the best
MICHAEL 12/24 1:47 PM
no way man that’s too sad. why don’t you drag your ass down to LA and hang
with Me and some buddies of mine?
MICHAEL 12/24 2:09 PM
what do you think man? please let me know quick cause I’m at grocery store
and need to know how much crane sauce to buy. ha!
MICHAEL 12/24 2:46 PM
*(A picture message of six cans of cranberry sauce in a shopping cart.)
MICHAEL 12/24 6:36 PM
hey Jeremy, you on your way? or. . .
JEREMY 12/24 6:43 PM
yoo just saw these. i’m in t town!
JEREMY 12/24 6:54 PM
*(A picture message of Jeremy, mouth open, holding a whole raw turkey up to
his face.)
MICHAEL 12/24 6:55 PM
whoa!!! you’re black?
MICHAEL 12/24 7:23 PM
damn! I thought you were coming over. . .I sort of got a bunch of food,
think your sister’d mind if I came up there?
JEREMY 12/24 8:22 PM
prolly not cool, we don’t see each other much. plus it’s a long ass drive
from la lol
MICHAEL 12/24 10:19 PM
haha yeah my sister is the same way! hey actually I’m just pulling into
south taft now like near the big town square, is your sister’s house kind
of near here?
MICHAEL 12/24 10:21 PM
or. . .
JEREMY 12/24 10:25 PM
nah not really its kind of far actually
MICHAEL 12/24 10:26 PM
can’t be that far
MICHAEL 12/24 10:28 PM
can you give Me a break man? give me the address it’s getting silly
MICHAEL 12/24 10:32 PM
times up loser sorry.
MICHAEL 12/24 10:35 PM
going back to LA
JEREMY 12/24 10:45 PM
shit drive safe man
—
MICHAEL 12/25 1:33 AM
got home safe merry xams
—
JEREMY 1/3 8:40 PM
wer you in zombieland?
MICHAEL 1/3 8:42 PM
hi man. no. that’s jesse eisenberg
MICHAEL 1/3 8:43 PM
I also was not in adventureland
MICHAEL 1/3 8:48 PM
yeah there’s a thing called imdb
JEREMY 1/3 9:09 PM
oh dam! i thought that was you
JEREMY 1/3 9:10 PM
haha
MICHAEL 1/3 9:12 PM
I know
—
MICHAEL 1/5 12:01 PM
wow!!! we’ve been friends for a month! crazy. . .
MICHAEL 1/5 12:09 PM
time moves.
MICHAEL 1/5 12:46 PM
sorry bout our christmas fight we had. your sis is mad at me? or. . .
Here came a brief hiatus in our correspondence. I was somewhat confused by
the up-and-down nature of our nascent friendship, but I knew enough about
trust issues to understand that, to a man as sensitive as Jeremy, trust must
be introduced in micro-increments.
MICHAEL 3/6 9:45 PM
haha my car is so dirty. . .I just found a cheese on the floor from like a
thousand years ago hahaha!
MICHAEL 3/6 9:51 PM
?
—
JEREMY 3/13 5:53 PM
yup see you there
MICHAEL 3/13 5:54 PM
huh???! ware???
MICHAEL 3/13 5:56 PM
????
JEREMY 3/13 6:23 PM
oh shit sorry ahaha was suppose to send that to a diffrent person. . .
MICHAEL 3/13 10:39 PM
ah I hate when that happens. you too?
—
MICHAEL 4/18 4:44 AM
hope you’re good man
—
JEREMY 4/26 10:43 PM
I LUV UR MOVIES!!!
MICHAEL 4/26 10:45 PM
hahaha! well! thank you very much sir. . .
MICHAEL 4/26 10:46 PM
the pleasure was mine to have worked on them
MICHAEL 4/26 10:47 PM
some of them anyway. . .hahahahahah!
MICHAEL 4/26 11:33 PM
how you been, bitch?
MICHAEL 4/26 11:36 PM
(:p)
—
JEREMY 4/27 2:42 PM
sorry about that that was my friend caitlin, she loves your movies
MICHAEL 4/27 2:44 PM
haha that makes sense. I thought to myself wow this is out of character
MICHAEL 4/27 2:45 PM
like just texting me out of noware wit a compliment! haha bitces is crazy
MICHAEL 4/27 2:47 PM
*nowhere
MICHAEL 4/27 2:49 PM
**bitches are crazy
MICHAEL 4/27 6:41 PM
anyway tell her thanks! maybe we can all go to dinner soon. . .
MICHAEL 4/27 8:39 PM
tuesday maybe?
MICHAEL 4/27 11:10 PM
J?
—
MICHAEL 5/15 5:36 PM
I’m going to Vegas!!! haha. want to come with?
MICHAEL 5/15 5:38 PM
probably be more fun than going alone!
—
MICHAEL 5/18 4:38 PM
heading back to LA. you have have have HAVE to see Jersey Boys
MICHAEL 5/18 4:50 PM
I saw it twice in two days hahahaha you think that’s weird?
JEREMY 5/18 6:23 PM
haha nah
JEREMY 5/18 6:24 PM
least it wasn’t three times ha
MICHAEL 5/18 6:25 PM
ahhahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!
MICHAEL 5/18 6:27 PM
no just twice. . .hahaha!
MICHAEL 5/18 6:28 PM
o my god
MICHAEL 5/18 6:30 PM
I just laughed so hard I had to pull over!!!!!!!!! hahahahahA!
MICHAEL 5/18 6:31 PM
god. . .
MICHAEL 5/18 7:58 PM
i almost crash before
—
MICHAEL 5/23 5:42 PM
god. remember the Jersey Boys thing?
MICHAEL 5/23 5:46 PM
what are you up to biatch?
—
MICHAEL 5/28 7:45 PM
god I just had the most ridiculous conversation with my publicist
MICHAEL 5/28 7:58 PM
she was just saying that I should tweet more photos of myself with friends
MICHAEL 5/28 8:00 PM
like to make myself more likable or something haha. to my followers. . .she
has no clue!
JEREMY 5/28 9:02 PM
weird
MICHAEL 5/28 9:04 PM
yes! that’s what I said too. anyway could be a fun excuse to get a party
together
MICHAEL 5/28 9:06 PM
maybe you get some buddies together and it could be an opportunity for us
all to hang out together and meet Me
MICHAEL 5/28 11:43 PM
what day is good for you guys?
—
JEREMY 6/7 6:07 PM
yo man how you doing?
MICHAEL 6/7 6:07 PM
hey man! I’m good how are you doing?
JEREMY 6/7 6:12 PM
up to anything tonight?
MICHAEL 6/7 6:12 PM
not really how about you???????
JEREMY 6/7 6:20 PM
yah well i been hangin out wit this girl caitlin and she really likes yur
movies and wants to meet you really bad
JEREMY 6/7 6:21 PM
we’re goin to go to a party at my friend andres house tonight you shd come
On the long drive up to Delano, it hit me that I was about to meet Jeremy,
face to face. I began to laugh about it, first softly, then in wild,
uncontrollable convulsions as the yellow lines on the pavement flickered
past.
A group of minglers on the front lawn welcomed me to the party with
astonished faces. I munificently doled out smiles and handshakes while
maintaining a steady course for the front door. Inside, Jeremy sat on a
couch in the living room, watching the others dance.
MICHAEL 6/7 11:28 PM
sorry things got crazy, im going back to la
MICHAEL 6/7 11:39 PM
that girls nuts i think
MICHAEL 6/7 11:45 PM
hope you’re not still pissed off
In the weeks that followed the unfortunate incident at the party, I took a
step back and allowed the healing properties of time to dissolve any
lingering anger and confusion. Jeremy, perhaps embarrassed, did the same.
After five weeks, however, I felt our marathon of reticence had run its
course.
MICHAEL 7/17 5:14 PM
hey man what’s up?
MICHAEL 7/17 5:18 PM
are we ok? Caitlin’s lying. . .
—
MICHAEL 7/18 8:43 AM
jeremy can we talk on phone quick?
MICHAEL 7/18 8:45 AM
i can explain things easier on phone, pick up yeah?
JEREMY 7/18 10:41 AM
if you keep calling me i will nail you
MICHAEL 7/18 10:42 AM
hey shit sorry thought you were away from phone
MICHAEL 7/18 10:44 AM
wasn’t sure if you wanted to talk now or later. . .
MICHAEL 7/18 11:08 AM
aaaaaannyyyway haha so what are u up to anyway jeremy piven?
MICHAEL 7/18 11:10 AM
hahah (the actor)
MICHAEL 7/18 11:42 AM
oops! shit sorry accidentally hit redial that time. . .
—
MICHAEL 7/20 11:30 PM
think we had bad communication at the party, that’s all it was. ok?
MICHAEL 7/20 11:37 PM
AND i didnt enjoy it she kisses like a man
MICHAEL 7/20 11:38 PM
but yah i only did that cause like i thought that’s what you wanted me to
do i guess.
MICHAEL 7/20 11:38 PM
cause when you asked me to take a picture with her in the kitchen and then
we were just alone in there.
MICHAEL 7/20 11:39 P.M.
i assumed. . .haha! maybe next time i shuld just ask you
MICHAEL 7/20 11:49 PM
but shes cute. u still together? i told her she was lucky she lives near u.
. .
MICHAEL 7/20 11:52 PM
nice butt
MICHAEL 7/20 11:59 PM
her, not you oops! meant caitlins. duh.
—
MICHAEL 8/17 6:21 PM
what upppp mannnn?
MICHAEL 8/17 6:32 PM
listen we don’t have to get into a big thing, I just wanted to see if you’
d feel ok with Me telling the caitlin story on Jimmy Kimmel Live?
MICHAEL 8/17 6:33 PM
I’m going on tomorrow, want to come and hang in the green room?
JEREMY 8/17 8:18 PM
Hi, I’m sorry I think you have the wrong number! Who are you looking for?
MICHAEL 8/17 8:28 PM
Jeremy?
JEREMY 8/17 8:31 PM
Yeah you have the wrong person. My name is Amanda, just got this number!
MICHAEL 8/17 8:37 PM
oh. I’m sorry. have a good night
AMANDA 8/17 8:40 PM
You too! Hope you find your friend!
As quickly as Jeremy had come into my life, he had left a hole in it. Still,
I learned a tremendous amount about this mysterious man in our short-lived
friendship, and I discovered a great deal about myself in his reflection. As
the music kicked off in a flowery cascade, I bounded onto the stage of “
Jimmy Kimmel Live.” Without Jeremy’s consent, I felt it would be
inappropriate to tell the Caitlin story, and so I employed a trusty go-to:
the farcical saga of my date with the Slovenian choreographer. Unfortunately
, being my own worst critic, I felt it was not my finest rendering of the
endearingly clumsy tangle of events, but I did manage to stick the landing,
and the audience found me likable. ♦ |
