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f*****g
发帖数: 9098 | 1 【 以下文字转载自 Dreamer 讨论区 】
发信人: falling (旋转坠落), 信区: Dreamer
标 题: 推荐一篇文章
发信站: BBS 未名空间站 (Mon Jan 16 00:48:35 2012, 美东)
http://geniustypes.com/signs_of_insecurity/
Signs of Insecurity by Brian Lee
One of the greatest challenges we face in our lifetimes is becoming
comfortable in our own skin. A person who is secure with himself is much
more likely to achieve success, have meaningful relationships, and be
respected by others.
A person who is insecure finds difficulty in many aspects of life. Since
most people are insecure, a person who is secure has power and influence
over others; even if they are not otherwise powerful.
Coming to terms with who you are is the first step in obtaining happiness in
life. The sooner you realize that happiness is something that you decide
internally, and not something that you get from people or posessions; the
sooner you will be able to create your own destiny.
A Lifelong Process
Everyone has some form of insecurity. It’s almost impossible to be 100%
free of doubt. There have only been a handful of people throughout history
who have obtained this level of confidence, and most of them have gone on to
be great spiritual leaders. Now, we look up to them as role-models.
Confidence is usually a gradual process. It often comes with age and wisdom
(although some people never find it). Those who work on themselves and gain
confidence early on will have a much easier time navigating the challenges
of life.
Insecurity is Destructive
Even though none of us are perfect; it’s easy to spot those of us who are
overly insecure. Extreme insecurity is usually marked by an obsession with
gaining the approval of other people. This level of self-doubt is extremely
destructive to a person’s life and is often the root of almost all their
problems.
More specifically, secure people find validation from within; while insecure
people attempt to find validation from sources outside themselves. This
external search for security manifests itself in two major ways:
1. A person becomes overly selfish. While both sexes engage in this sort of
insecurity, men are slightly more likely to choose this route. A selfish
person attempts to find security by surrounding himself with possessions,
accolades, and attention.
2. A person becomes overly accomodating. Once again, this form of insecurity
is common in both sexes, but women are slightly more likely to choose it as
their primary mode of compensation. An overly accommodating person attempts
to gain the approval of other people by bending over backwards for them.
A Matter of Energy
I read one of the most eloquent explanations of why people behave the way
they do in a book called The Celestine Prophesy by James Redfield. It’s a
fictional adventure that tries to explain a few things about reality. The
basic gist of the book is that we are all connected by an energy.
I read The Celestine Prophesy over ten years ago, and back then most people
saw it as a little hokey. Today, the idea that energy connects us all is
becoming mainstream, especially with the advancement of quantum physics and
the cultural phenomenon The Secret.
Here’s the basic idea:
People need emotional energy like they need air. Scientists have found that
infants respond dramatically to human touch, and will almost “starve”
without it. Quality relationships have been found to be a better indicator
of good health than smoking status, weight, or genetics. Even though we can
’t quantify it, this emotional energy is a very real and important part of
our lives.
As children, we get our emotional energy from our parents; just like we get
food, water, and shelter. Just as food provides nourishment for our bodies,
emotional energy nourishes our souls; giving us confidence and security.
A person has made a successful transition to adulthood when she has learned
to provide food, water, and shelter for herself. By the same token, she hasn
’t fully matured until she has also learned to provide emotional energy for
herself.
Many people never learn to produce their own emotional energy and continue
to seek it from other people, even into adulthood. When they are around
others, they draw energy from those around them to fill their void. This
burden of energy fatigues the people around them and causes conflict.
Conversely, a person who has learned to create their own energy is free to
give the excess to other people.
Signs of Insecurity
Here are some common signs that indicate insecurity:
Defensiveness
Insecure people tend to be very sensitive to critique and respond with
defensiveness. They aren’t comfortable enough with themselves to accept
that they might be flawed.
A secure person can handle criticism. They’re open to hearing about ways
they might improve. If they disagree with the criticism, they don’t try to
argue because they’re happy with who they are.
They’re comfortable enough to be themselves, even if other people don’t
like it. They realize that they can’t please everyone.
Can’t Enjoy Silence
Some insecure people just can’t deal with silence. They fill every void
with meaningless chatter, almost to avoid having to reflect on themselves.
The unfortunate consequence is the annoyance of everyone around them, who
secretly look for an escape.
A secure person can tolerate, and often enjoys silence. If they are with
someone else, they have the ability to let someone else talk without having
to interject their own perspective.
Excessive Joking
Another coping mechanism for insecurity is constant joking. While a sense of
humor is almost necessary for emotional health, the excessive joker doesn’
t seem to know the limits of appropriateness. (Think Michael Scott on “The
Office.”)
It feels good when everyone laughs at your joke, and an insecure person
craves this sort of attention. The unfortunate consequence is an
uncomfortable environment and an insensitivity to others.
Jokes are almost always more funny when they are well-timed and delivered by
a person of confidence. Security gives you the ability to be sensitive of
others; knowing what they would consider funny and what they would consider
offensive.
Self-Promoting
Insecure people tend to talk about themselves constantly, as if they feel
like they have to prove themselves. Self-promotion is paramount to over-
compensation for doubt.
A confident person doesn’t need to promote himself. His qualities are
displayed naturally by the way he lives his life. Besides, he doesn’t need
validation from anyone anyway.
Bullying
Insecure people feel threatened by others, and one way to cope with this is
to try and squash them. The most threatening person of all to an insecure
person is a secure person, because they can sense their power.
Overly Authoritative
Insecure people in positions of power tend to compensate for their lack of
confidence by taking out their frustrations on their subordinates. They
might issue unfair punishments or orders as a way to prove their authority.
I once had a boss who took joy in screaming at his employees, even for minor
offenses. Once, I overheard him speaking to another manager about picking
someone to fire for the fun of it. This kind of excessive authoritativeness
is an obvious over-compensation for insecurity.
Overly Competitive
Competitiveness is part of a healthy emotional makeup, but over-
competitiveness is a sign of a problem. Someone who can’t take losing by
making a big emotional display lacks confidence.
A person who is secure with himself wins or loses with grace. Grace has a
lot to do with respecting your opponent, and you can only do that if you are
first comfortable with yourself.
Materialistic
A very dangerous coping mechanism for insecurity is buying things you can’t
afford just to show off. We can all think of people with huge TV’s, fast
cars, and every toy known to man; even though they don’t make much money.
People like this tend to run up their credit cards and get themselves into
big trouble.
A secure person doesn’t need to show off. He doesn’t care what other
people think about his possessions.
Insecurity in Relationships
Insecurity tends to be amplified in relationships. In this situation, there
is a constant struggle for control and energy.
Interestingly enough, people tend to be attracted to other people at the
same level of security. Insecure people tend to find other insecure people
to date, and secure people tend to date other secure people.
A healthy relationship is made up of two secure people who create their own
emotional energy and give to their partner. An unhealthy relationship is
made up of two insecure people who take emotional energy from their partner.
Men
Here are some characteristics of insecure men in relationships:
Irrationally Jealous
An insecure man is constantly worried about his girlfriend leaving him, and
is extremely jealous. This manifests itself in constant questioning,
mistrust, and altercations with other men.
A man who is secure with himself and his relationship is able to trust his
partner. He can do so because he doesn’t depend on her for his well-being.
He knows that he will be okay no matter what happens. If she betrays his
trust, he is fully capable of either forgiving her, or leaving her to start
over.
Abusive
Abuse is where insecurity in a relationship becomes extremely destructive.
Men become abusive out of the need to control their partner. Instead of
loving them for who they are, they try to force them into someone else.
A man who is secure with himself is never abusive.
Women
Here are a few signs of insecurity for women in relationships:
Stays in Abusive Relationships
Remember how insecure people tend to be attracted to each other?
Unfortunately, this means that abusive men end up with women who take the
abuse.
Have you ever known a woman who has had a string of abusive boyfriends? She
ends up falling for one after the other. She has so little confidence that
she is convinced that it’s her fault.
A secure woman isn’t afraid of leaving an abusive man. She knows that she
doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. She creates her own emotional
energy and therefore she will be fine on her own.
Overly Sexual
Sexuality is a very powerful force, as evidenced by the amount of sexual
images in our media. Men especially are strongly influenced by attractive
women. Some women learn that they can get a lot of attention from men by
flaunting their sexuality.
An insecure woman who is seeking constant validation from others relies on
her sexuality as a crutch. It becomes her main source of emotional energy
and begins to define her.
A secure woman doesn’t need constant validation. She is confident enough to
define herself in many dimensions; not just one.
Work on Yourself
A common thread in much of the success literature that I have read is the
necessity of becoming independent before entering into relationships. If I
had to recommend one book to help someone become more secure with themselves
, I would recommend The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen
Covey.
He talks about achieving private victory before you achieving public victory
. He talks about the process of going from dependence to independence to
interdependence.
Insecurity can be highly destructive, especially if you don’t understand it
. Many insecure people find scapegoats for their problems, never realizing
that they are causing the problems themselves.
The beginning of security is learning to laugh at yourself, realizing that
no one is perfect. |
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