M*V
发帖数: 3205 | 1 发信站: BBS 未名空间站 (Sat Oct 27 10:00:17 2012, 美东)
Joke: Presidential Debate 2012, Act III
10/22/2012
By Limin Wang
In the evening of October 16, 2012, at the Smack Complex of Hofstra
University on Long Island, New York, President Obama and former governor
Romney had the second finger-to-finger presidential debate. Candy Growly
tried her hardest to moderate them.
Outside the debate building, large swarms of people had decided on their own
to join the show. Some said that they wanted to bring their own tough
questions. Some said that they wanted to enjoy the best sports or
entertainment show-down, even if having to spend a lot on the expensive
ticket. Some said that they wanted to run for presidency of other people’s
freedom too. However, those outsiders were all arrested, for a variety of
accuses, such as mouth dysfunction, mess disruption, or moss destruction.
Candy: Good evening from the theatre. Governor Donkey Cuomo and Mayor
ExElephant Bloomberg have tried their best to hunt down undecided voters in
New York State or New York City, and they have caught only 82. In their rare
joint apology letter, they explained that many New Yorkers had decided, not
to vote; and many had decided, not to challenge themselves to vote.
Audience, can you please sit-in away from each other farther? That would
make the room appear crowded for visual delusion. Those of you who have got
the piece of paper from me, please do remember which pocket you have put it
in. When they don’t answer the questions to the point, do not get sad, mad,
or in any other sense of feeling. Here they come.
(The audience feels relaxed, and gives a big applause.)
Candy: Gentlemen, battle with fingers, not fists, please. I have enough
candy here. The first question would be brought up by Jesus My Einstein, a
dreamer about his virtual job after college. Governor Romney, I know you
would like to enjoy this question to attack President Obama.
Einstein: Hell-O, all people around me, professors, parents, or even old
neighbors, said that I am screwed. What do they mean to be so mean?
Romney: They are absolutely right. Your investors have loaned tons of money
on your education, and when you graduate, you can’t find a job for the crap
you have learned for years. Then what you can do? Keep being optimistic,
then the investors will keep loaning you money, and you will keep being able
to sit, eat, shit, and cheat. At the end, the government or other people
will be screwed. I know every nut and bolt of the system, and that’s why I
can make it work for you. When I am the president, you will get a job, no
matter what you are learning.
Obama: Jesus My, first of all, your future is bright, because I already have
four years of experience dealing with jobs on the scale of millions. (
Springs out his fingers one by one.) You ever heard of Detroit or Toledo?
You ever heard of Solyndria? ... My administration has invested trillions to
the future, and that’s where the deficit goes. Look forward with me; the
light ahead is so right and bright, isn’t it? If you are in the Electoral
College, then your future will be the brightest. Look at me, who was I
before? And who am I now? You get it? (Einstein looks pretty baffled.) If
you haven’t got it, you have at least four more years to earn a Doctor of
Philosophy degree. Philosophy says, the more you know, the more you know you
need to know…
Candy: I have an immediate follow-up question. Some people usually say they
are not counted as humans by our government in statistics. Is that true on
the unemployment?
Romney: That’s absolutely true, again. The real unemployment may have hit
24 million, or 11.1% by this moment. Yet, President Obama doesn’t have a
plan of any finger. It’s me that has said a five-point plan. (Springs out
his fingers one after another, and pauses a little longer on some finger.)
It’s me that has said to take Detroit bankrupt, but it’s Obama that has
done to take Detroit bankrupt…
Obama: What Governor Romney said isn’t true! Not just because he is bad on
elementary language art or elementary arithmetic. What I did was a bail-out,
(Sticks out and crooks up his index finger, and flicks it back and forth.)
and what Romney said is only a one-point plan. (Gives an outstanding finger.
) He just wants to cut the tax for the rich, (Wields this finger to slash
down.) and cut the benefits for the commoner. (Slashes down again.) Anyone
out there believes that Romney will cut down the unemployment rate? (Slashes
up.)
(Romney stands up and stomps forward, with a pretty red face.)
Candy: Mr. President, let’s move on to the next question, from Phil-lip
Trickly. Governor Romney may be seated for a couple of more minutes to crack
down the fire.
Romney: (Gasping.) …that is way off the mark…
Trickly: (Takes out his eyeglasses, and then finds Obama.) Your energy
secretary, Steve Chu, said, again and again, that the Department of Energy
is not the Department of Energy Price. Is he an honest man, or a ruthless
dude?
Obama: My administration has spent the most amount of energy to produce oil,
natural gas, coal, wind, sunlight, and alcohol to the highest levels in 16
years. My administration has spent the most amount of energy to produce the
most fuel-efficient cars. All these caused to lower oil import to the lowest
level in 16 years, and thus led to, to, to … clean energy in the future.
Romney is going to let the oil companies write the energy policies, and that
’s why the gas price is so high now. We will screw harder, so the oil price
will not be so high, and Jesus My will not be screwed on his imaginary job.
Romney: The president is right on the additional oil production. But, the
president cut 50% of licenses and permits for drilling on federal lands and
waters, which led to the oil production from federal land down by 14%, which
led to 200% gas price. You get it? It’s all Obama’s fault. President
Obama spent a lot of energy in examining back and forth either 20 or 25 dead
birds in North Dakota, because he thought people drilling there did it
criminally. Precisely how many birds? I am not sure, but I have counted
twice. I will give lots of permits for people to drill, so coal workers need
not to grab my arm any more. The miners said they saw light in the tunnel.
(The audience is too screwed up to feel the jokes.)
Obama: (Raises his chin to the left.) That can’t be true. It must have been
a gas flash.
(Romney comes toward Obama from the right, asking, “How much did you cut?”
Obama still raises his chin to the left, replying, “Not true.” Such
exchange repeats a dozen times, until Obama feels a pain on the neck and
tells the truth, “The oil men were not drilling, so I did take away permits
. Now somebody else can drill, and I can make a profit.” Then Romney adds
with his finger down, “The production is down.” Obama raises his chin to
the right, replying with his finger up, “Not true. Up.” Such exchange
repeats a dozen times again.)
Romney: (Turns away and faces the audience.) The gas price at Nassau County
was $1.86 a gallon when President Obama took office four years ago. Now it
is $4 a gallon. If his policy is working, …
Obama: (Drinks some water.) Not true. Down.
Romney: (Turns toward Obama.) I am still speaking, and that’s not a
question. (Turns toward the audience proudly.) If his policy is working,
then the gas price should be down…
Obama: (Puts his left hand in pants pocket.) Not true. I still remember,
when I was riding a motorbike to get here for the debate four years ago, I
got bankruptcy after filling the tank at some corner in Nassau. It was well
above $4 a gallon in 2008. If the gas price here was falling to $1.86 a
gallon in January 2009, then it only means the oil economy was falling off a
vertical cliff too, while the whole economy was falling off a vertical
cliff. Now, our economy engines are revving up. Engines need gas, that’s
exactly why our gas price is jacking up too. The capitalism rule of thumb is
can you turn a zero into a millionaire? (Smirks, and wags a thumb round and
round.) Just play by the thumb rule…
Candy: (Feels no comfort at something-not-fuzzy wagging.) I got to MOVE you
on. The next question…
(Romney stands up, walks and waves toward Candy, to check whether Candy
stops paying attention to a wagging thumb.)
Candy: (Feels a little frantic, so pushes both hands out waving to the
coming Romney.) Governor, Governor, Governor, Governor, he gets the first
question, you get the next question…(Turns her head to the audience and
searches around.) Who is Mary? Mary, hurry! Bring up your question to
Governor Romney.
Mary: (Looks a little frantic too.) Governor, you said you will give some
deduction reliefs to the federal government, such as, as, as … (Touches
herself all around.) Gosh! I could not find that piece of paper. Never mind,
it’s not about deduction cuts on me.
Romney: When I was campaigning around the country, I asked fella Americans,
“What’s up?” 100% of them replied, “Everything is up!” That’s why I
want cuts, cuts on unemployment rate, cuts on gas price, cuts on tax, cuts
on deductions, and so on and on, you name it. Do not worry about deductions,
because I will give a big bucket for you to fill your money in for
deductions. I will also simplify the tax code. Herman Cane endorses me, and
I think his 999 plan sounds pretty smart, because some folks will hear as “
none, none, none.” Although some former female employees of his claimed
that’s actually “cubic 999,” I see it in my Romney numeral system as “IX
, IX, IX.” (Smiles big.) This triplet pronounces as “I cut, I cut, I cut.
” This will help on the jobs gigantically. Dare not mess with me by any
other pronunciation. Otherwise, I will bring a criminal case on you.
Obama: (Feels scooped.) I am the one who has actually already X-ed 18 times
for the middle-class families and small businesses. I wanted to do the X on
the top 2 or 3%, but they resisted and held the 97 or 98% hostage. I am
fundamentally not OK with that.
Romney: (Laughs loud.) You’re absolutely right!
Obama: (Shakes his head diligently.) No, no, no, that’s not right. I did
the arithmetic many many many times, and X-ed many many many times, the
numbers have added up to a huge hole. Your reductions will not offset the
deductions.
(The two crosstalk again.)
Candy: Can we X the debate now? Our next questioner, Cat Funton, is standing
up and leaving.
Both: No!
Funton: Do you have new ideas for women to make more money?
Obama: Women love me as their candidate, and I love them back as my voters.
The first bill I signed is called the Lily Ledbetter Law. The next bill I am
thinking about will be coined as the Edbetter bill. Governor Romney said to
keep the Pell Grants, but I want to do more than that. I want to cut away
the middlemen so the educated kids will thank me directly. When women are
educated well, that’s crippling to men. All the money I earn has to go to
Michele’s hands. I can’t afford cigarette or beer now. I have to smoke
fallen leaves and drink homemade beer.
Romney: (Shows big pride.) When I was Governor of Massachusetts, I asked
women groups to send me whole binders full of women. I looked carefully at
each one of them, and later my cabinet was stuffed with a bundle of women.
You bet, they got excellent pays and flexible time. Under the Obama
administration, women are in terrible shape. I will help them get jobs when
I am president. You know why President Billy always brags about his
employment deeds.
Obama: I do more than that. I also have a Bedbetter bill, which is part of
the Obama Care. Women will get jobs AND contraceptive coverage. I also have
a Bredbetter bill for their outlaw babies. All the care makes a difference
in terms of how well and effectively women are able to work.
Candy: Oh, yeah. Rumor says that Michele kicks your ass and that’s why you
run forward. What kind of care you were providing to her? Let’s move to the
next question, Susan Cats.
Cats: I see more and more similarity between Bush and Obama now. For
instance, Guantanamo Bay is still open, the unemployment rate is still high,
and the deficit is running even higher, blah, blah, blah. Governor, how are
you different than Bush?
Romney: Excuse me, I need to make the last answer to the first question on
the contraception issue. I don't believe that bureaucrats in Washington
should tell women to use contraceptives or not. Women just should use
contraception; otherwise, I will be in trouble on the abortion issue. Let me
answer your question now. Bush and I are totally different people. He is a
southerner and I am a northerner. When facing difficult questions, he curls
up his lips so the right half is sealed and while the left half is talking.
I don’t do that at all. Bush sees oil in Iraq; I see oil in Canada.
Obama: Bush and Romney are the same. Bush said he is an honest man, and said
Romney is an honest man too.
Candy: President Obama, are you an honest man?
Obama: I am an honest man, but I am a hottest man too!
Candy: (Squinting at Obama.) The next question comes from MR. Micro Drones.
Drones: Why most things I need for everyday living are very expensive? I
need to sell the ballot in 2012 at a much higher price too, to offset the
inflation and my deficit. Are you still interested?
Obama: Yes, yes. Everybody, including you and me, is suffering. I was very
busy in a swarm of front-stage and back-stage deeds. I promise to bomb down
the prices in my second term.
Romney: You see, Micro, Obama didn’t pay much attention to you because you
are too trivial. From my observation and experience, broken promises cannot
be fixed by promises to be broken. I am a successful businessman, so you
should invest your ballot with me.
Candy: We are running out of time, so let’s move both of you along with the
next question, Loraine O’Sorry.
O’Sorry: I have no green card, but I can be productive in voting. How would
you treat such voters with no green card?
Romney: Low-rain-la? (Cups the left hand over the left ear.) …No-rain-la? (
Switches hands, and cups the right hand over the right ear.) Is it a Latino
name? Don’t worry about voting without even a green card. I am not John
McCain from Arizona. He beat me so badly in 2008 that I am still running the
presidential race against a phantom McCain candidate in 2012.
Obama: Romney won’t be friendly to immigrants. He favors self-deportation,
which means he will make so many regulations that the immigrants’ dreams
turn into nightmares. Their life will be so miserable that they believe any
other country in the world would be better than the greatest U.S.A. Romney
even indicated that I should self-deport myself to Kenya. If I don’t run
for presidency in the U.S.A., where can I run for residency? It’s all
Republicans’ fault that the comprehensive immigration reform hasn’t been
done, while I have tried.
(Romney and Obama then argue with each other. One moment, Romney tries to
ignore Obama’s interruption; another moment, Romney presses on Obama to
reveal his own investment. The audience is turned on and starts to laugh.)
Candy: (Mad at the audience breaking her regulation rule, but releases her
steam to Romney and Obama.) Break up, otherwise I will kick your ass, (
Points her robust finger at one, then at the other.) you and you. Kerry Lark
has a question for the president.
Lark: My friends and I were tweeting and tweeting. Some reports say the
State Department refused the extra security. Who refused and why?
Obama: (Serious and angry.) I am a responsible man while I send my fella
Americans in harm’s way. I will find out not only why it happened but also
how it happened, and you will find out what will be happened. I mean what I
say. The suggestion that anybody in my team, whether the Secretary of State,
our U.N. Ambassador, anybody on my team would play politics or mislead when
we've lost four of our own, governor, is offensive. When I say do not play
security for political gains, I also mean what I say.
Romney: I say security for big political gains, I am a successful politician
, and I mean what I say too. That’s why I immediately said terrorism.
Saying terrorism is a popular thing, and I am just one of the sayers. Now,
some evidences support what I said before. You did say the next day that it
was an act of terror? Candy, he did? Really? ... But, I said earlier than
you did, didn’t I?
(Obama and Romney trade barbs again.)
Candy: (Impatient to both of them.) Hay, hay, hay, Gunzalez wants to bring
up a GUN (Obama and Romney freeze instantly and then bow to each other
immediately.) … question.
Gunzalez: President Obama, during the Democratic National Convention in 2008
, you stated you wanted to keep AK-47s out of the hands of criminals. What
has your administration done or planned to do to limit the availability of
assault weapons?
Obama: We have the Second Amendment, but I wanted the AK-47s out, because it
’s not an American brand. Unfortunately, our country is the world’s number
one military country in any sense. Soldiers and polices have all kinds of
American made guns, and civilians have too. That’s why a lot of people,
including nation leaders and activist leaders, have been killed. Even worse,
many of these murders or assassins have been found as “mentally ill.” We
need better education.
Romney: I agree with what Obama just said. I had a ban on guns before, but
later I had a ban on that ban, because the National Rifle Association
lobbyists said people want to shoot big birds. But, gosh, so much violence
comes from single-parenthood or poor families. You know what families I am
aiming at. When Obama came to town, his administration even had some Fast
and Furious Program with the Mexican drug lords.
(Both argue again.)
Candy: Guys, guys, guys, here is Gold, gold, gold, (Both stop arguing and
turn full attention to Candy.) … Goldburg, Ms. Carry Goldburg, for a
question.
Goldburg: What would you do about the outsourcing of American jobs?
Romney: Number one, crack down China. Day one, name China a currency
manipulator. But remember, I am not the inventor of outsourcing. Remember
what has been said in the debates of George H.W. Bush.
Obama: Governor Romney is the first one to say so, but Governor Romney is
the last one to do so. Why? Number one, Romney has made literally tons of
money from outsourcing to China and investment in China. Number two, you
haven’t seen what kind of slavery jobs the Chinese are doing, have you? If
you dig hard enough, you won’t find Hell of Hades, but you will find China
of Color.
(Both crosstalk again.)
Candy: Good news. Here comes the last question, and soon both of you can
trade barbs without regulation at all. Where is Barbly Grin?
Grin: What’s the biggest misconception about you? Geez, I think, peeking
into the misconception from your own perception gives a better conception.
Romney: I am just Mitt Romney. When you think I am a Mormon, I actually have
only Ann as my wife. When you think I am a Republican, I actually went to
the Democratic Massachusetts for Governor. When you think I am a billionaire
, I actually have no manufacturing company. When you think I am a flip-flop,
it’s actually the flip-flop tide carrying me. Otherwise, I can not be the
successful Mitt Romney. Whenever anyone like Barrack Obama says something
about Mitt Romney, you need to always think very very hard whether that’s
really Mitt Romney.
Obama: The biggest misconception about me and my administration comes from
Mitt Romney. All the negative painting and description are gushing from Mitt
Romney and his richest buddies. It’s exactly like what George W. Bush
graffitied in his nomination acceptation speech in 2000 about Billy Clinton
and Al Gore, “They never led. We will.” Now, Mitt Romney paints me as
nobody but driving in the back. That’s rudely, radically, and extremely
nude, rude, and offensive. Do not trust him, otherwise, you will pay for his
success. |
|
